The Active Listening Playlist
A short guide on how to make people feel heard.
“Active Listening is considered a way of listening and responding to another person. There are three components of it. It includes empathy, congruence and unconditional, positive regard.” - Don Rheem, author of Thrive By Design: The Neuroscience That Drives High-Performance Cultures
1. Please Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood
“Empathy is not the end, it’s the means” — Tim Brown, CEO of IDEO
Just the thought of comprehending and sharing the feelings of another, sounds kind. Imagine the ability to do it. To have an underlying inclination to help. Amazing, isn't it?
You may think you were born this way, but it might require some practice.
I won’t even go into details about the day I thought I was empathetic per nature, and instead, realized that I was being a judgmental and self-centered complainer.
Which leads us to acceptance.
2. Please Accept My Love (Flaws)
No room for value judgements.
If someone feels comfortable enough to share something, listen. If someone wants to share, but feels insecure, encourage with a thoughtful response, entirely non-judgmental.
Hey listener, don't despair, you can also talk, and you should. Besides being quiet and attentive, it's important to know when, how and what to talk.
Please, do not cut the person with your own stories. The anxiety and the impulse to project yourself into the speech of others is eating you from inside? I've been there (still there). See? I just projected myself. So easy.
Reflection technique is a good call. In short terms, is saying back to the speaker what has been said in a way that clarifies what's been heard.
It's Tricky? Let me rephrase that.
In other terms, the listener tries to clarify and restate what the speaker is saying.
- Helps the listener understand what the speaker is saying
- Can help the speaker to clarify thoughts
- Allows the speaker to feel heard
- Useful for both speaker and listener
"Yes, I understand you, I experienced the same situation when…" It’s not gonna help you here, empathetic beginner. Step back. Take a breath.
(Setting the alarm “do not project yourself into a conversation” for 7am).
Hold on.
4. Attention
Back to the present. The future doesn't exist. Don't worry about alarms and tomorrow tasks now.
Oh my gosh! It’s so hard to focus on a speech when the upcoming dinner party is crossing an exhausted mind.
Listen. But listen with your body too. Hope your eyes are not wandering around - the speaker is speaking. Eyes can also hear, you know. Eye contact shows interest, however, do not scare the listener by staring - a brief eye contact might be enough.
6. Body Movin'
A welcome practice to show the speaker is being heard.
Non-verbal messages of attention can be as simple as a very slight change in posture.
A change in facial expression may also be suitable.
As long as we are attentive in putting into practice:
- Empathy
- Respect and non-judgment
- Reflect back what is said
- Ask questions
- Being present and patient (periods of silence are not "filled")
- Verbal and non-verbal feedback (e.g., smiling, eye contact, leaning in)
- Summarize
The Active Listening Playlist is collaborative. In case you want to contribute with music that reminds you of the practice of active listening, I’d love to hear (:
Sources:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/1wvvzgi7mJx87J087e1zD8?si=Bs-vV346Tfiu8u6wNM9b7w
https://donrheem.com/27-active-listening/
https://business.tutsplus.com/tutorials/what-is-active-listening--cms-32288
http://www.wanterfall.com/Communication-Active-Listening.htm
https://www.ideo.com/news/empathy-is-not-the-end-its-the-means
https://www.maxwell.syr.edu/uploadedfiles/parcc/cmc/reflective%20listening%20nk.pdf
